Back and Forth

I have sat down multiple times to write this post. And for one reason or another I decide not to write it. But I probably should. I usually use this blog to record our day to day life. I tend to leave off the messier parts because who wants to remember those? But sometimes the hard needs to be remembered just as much as the easy...

It's been about twelve weeks since I had my D&C. I feel like enough time has passed that I should probably stop thinking about it, but I still do. Not obsessively, but it's kind of like it's always just hanging outside of my daily thoughts. I don't think that will go away until I am pregnant again. There are just too many little reminders. I don't want to keep talking about it, and I don't think I do for the most part, but it's just what I am thinking about. However, I have felt at peace since we lost the pregnancy and I am thankful for that and for the children I have.

I don't think I really need to point out that I have had better summers. This pregnancy, even though it was only a few months long, was rough. I get sick with my pregnancies, but I think my body was trying twice as hard to keep things going because I was so sick. We found out right before we went to South Carolina that I was pregnant and thankfully my sickness waited until the end of the trip before it showed its horrible self.

I spent the rest of the summer in a morning sickness daze. However, I noticed that I was starting to feel like I actually had energy, but weeks before I knew I should. I was still nauseous, but I could tell something was off.

When we got home from Pinetop, I went into the Doctor's because I knew. I wasn't even surprised when they couldn't find a heartbeat. That still didn't stop my eyes from stinging though. I know that millions of pregnancies end in miscarriage. I can literally name five other women I know who miscarried the same time I did. It still doesn't make it seem okay though. I have never felt forlorn or blamed myself or anyone. I know the Lord's plan, but sometimes I still feel empty.

I don't know how it all works. I know this little bean was ours and maybe this body was just not the body this little person needed, so he/she hit the eject button. 

I popped out pretty fast...I was a little nervous for the future size of that tummy.

The truly hard part though, for me, was that Daisy knew. She drew this the day before I found out. That was hard, but she knows that Heavenly Father needed that little baby to go back home.

And now we're here. It's been almost long enough that we can start trying again. But I don't want to pretend that this little person never was here, even if it was only for a short while.

I also have felt the love from family and from a family in heaven through out this whole experience. I have also felt the empathy from other women who know. And I am thankful that someday when this happens to someone else, that I can truly know what it feels like and be there for that person. Life goes on and (hopefully) new babies come, but a miscarriage is a unique loss that is hard to explain. 

I am thankful for my family and for my Savior. I know that hard things happen to help us grow. I am thankful for that knowledge and hope that when the next hurdle of life comes I can remember that my Savior is there and that he knows.