My Night Time Thoughts...

I read a blog post of my older sister's about night time thoughts. I think the phrase "night time thoughts" came from our Mom. She always came in to tuck us in every night growing up. And some nights, maybe more than some during the rougher teenage years, I would spill all my night time thoughts to her. The thoughts that come at the end of long days that really aren't how you feel overall, but when your emotions get carried away and mole hills turn into mountains. This usually happens at night and she would listen and say these are night time thoughts and things will look better in the morning. More times than not she was right. Now that I no longer have my Mom tucking me in every night and I am the Mom tucking in my children (and in Daisy's case this includes multiple tuck ins every night) I still get night time thoughts. I guess we all do from time to time.

I have really enjoyed this past year of our little life. I love my family, we have been blessed with health and happiness. I really shouldn't have anything to complain about and for the most part I don't, but guess what its one of the nights filled with night time thoughts. And tonight I am tired. I have been on the verge of frustrated tears most of the day. Its a drill weekend for us and that means me getting everyone ready for church, to church, and then three hours of church by myself with two very loud wiggly children. I try to pretend that I have it all under control, maybe I even had a few people fooled. To be honest my kids were really good, its just hard managing two other people who's every little need depends on you. And this isn't easy when Dad's lap to sit on is at an air force base and Daisy needed to pee three times during sacrament. Oh Daisy Daisy Daisy... She is a ball full of energy. She never stops talking. Its so fun to hear what she is saying, to watch her mind process thoughts then tell me all about what she is thinking. I love it, but today I just wanted quiet. A quiet where there is no whining or tugging at my clothes or elbowing me in the chest when she gets off of me or cries for more juice or demands that I play with her exactly how she wants me to. Sometimes I just want a break, then I feel guilty for wanting a break, like I shouldn't ever feel tired or overwhelmed with motherhood because its what I love to do. I LOVE my kids, everything about them. I know that I shouldn't compare myself to other Moms because we all have our own things we are dealing with. Today though I am comparing myself to the women who don't ever seem to need a break and I think judge me for wanting a few hours of quiet to not have to meet the needs of everyone around me. I am tired. Being a Mom is tiring and draining and thankless some days. EEESSH! That sounds less than great but its how I feel tonight. I love giving of myself to my family. I cook and clean and play and love over and over, but tonight I am tired. I walked into my closet full of clothes needing to be washed tomorrow as I hear Daisy creek open the door for the 4th time and I cried. Silly I know. Laundry is not hard to do, tucking Daisy in again is a chance to give her another kiss, but it gets hard. I am also a perfectionist in my own way. I get into my head of how I want things to be, how my house should run, how I should be and if I don't live up to my self set standards I get  frustrated. But like I said these are night time thoughts and in the morning I will wake up and do that load of laundry and give Daisy a big hug and a kiss because its what I need to do and want to. But not tonight, tonight I am having night time thoughts and don't want to do anything...

However tonight as I was feeling sorry for myself and frustrated I thought why is this so hard sometimes? These seemingly small things that make up my day and seem to weigh on my mind? And a good thought popped into my head... "because I am trying to do it all on my own, that there is someone who can help me not feel so frustrated and tired on long days".  I CAN'T be the best I can be without help from a  loving savior. Now I just have to remember to give my night thoughts to him and maybe next time my night time thoughts come I won't cry over loads of laundry.